I don’t know what’s going on. About two weeks ago someone switched out my fussy, grumpy, overly needy baby for a happy, laughing, independent one. They look the same…they make the same crazy bird noises, but they certainly don’t act the same. It’s as if the moment Little Bear turned six months old someone flipped a switch.
Little Bear has been so sweet lately (not that he wasn’t sweet before). He finds everything hilarious and is laughing all the time. And the most amazing thing…he’s craving time to play by himself! I’m seriously enjoying this new found independence. It means I can actually get things done around here and the layers of dust are finally being swept away! And lets not get carried away with it. He is definitely still the same child; he needs his mommy time; which is good because I need my Little Bear snuggles!
Most of all I’m just happy that he’s happier. It had to be a stressful existence being upset all time! Now if he could just get the hang of putting himself back to sleep….
He went from this….
Being a SAHM is hard. Really hard. I never expected it to be this hard. Apparently my mind lives in a place full of gum drops and unicorns, and when that reality is crushed I tend to cry. Not only is being someone’s sole source of entertainment for twelve plus hours a day completely and utterly exhausting, but it also leaves very little time for me to do anything for me. For instance, I’m not even a full paragraph into this post and have been called away by Little Bear three times. I had visions of fun outings, cuddles, and nap times that lasted two hours or so.
We do have fun outings, every now and then, but there is only so much that you can do with a five and half month old and only for so long before he starts to freak out! There are lots of cuddles…and lots of crying too. Don’t even get me started on nap times.
Please, don’t get me wrong. I wouldn’t want to be doing anything else with my time. I have no desire to put Little Bear into daycare. Being with him is the most wonderful, joyous thing in the world to me. I can’t imagine someone I barely know being there to experience all of his “firsts” instead of me. But I must admit that this whole SAHM thing leaves me with a feeling of wanting more.
Where did I go? Before Little Bear there were so many things I was passionate about and loved to do. I was in the middle of starting my own business. I had a direction that I was headed in and my future was a little uncertain but I at least knew the general path it would take. Now I feel lost. I’m not used to not contributing financially to our family and that is something I find myself struggling with quite often.
I thought about opening an Etsy shop, but unfortunately my sewing skills are not quite good enough to sell anything that I’ve made (So now Little Bear has an overload of stroller toys to play with!). I’ve thought about writing a children’s book, and might still do, but I can’t draw more than a stick figure so that puts a bit of a damper on that possibility. I do love street photography and have quite the collection of shots from when we lived in Amsterdam, but at this point in time getting them all together is just a little too time consuming.
I guess I’m facing the conundrum every mother faces…can we have it all? At this moment my answer is no. Me time will just have to be put on the back burner. Because for now Little Bear time is just too important to miss out on. He needs me a lot more than I need to feel totally “fulfilled”. In the meantime I’ll try to suppress the guilt I feel for not wanting to spend every waking moment with him!
Last weekend Mason got to go on his first trip to Florida, and we had a blast! It was a weekend of birthday celebrations for our Florida family with Hubby’s dad and the son of our best friends all turning one year older. So of course we made the trip down. It was also the first time most of them, except Grandma and Grandpa, had met Mason. Unfortunately not everyone in our little family could make the trip…Roo had to stay home (And we missed him like crazy!! Thanks to my bestie for watching him for us while we were gone and making sure he got plenty of walks and love!!); but honestly I don’t think we could have fit him in the car!
We were only there for two days but with the amount of stuff that was packed into the car you’d think we were leaving for a month! It is amazing to me just how much STUFF a two month old needs in order to travel. On a positive note, I actually managed to pack lightly for the first time in my life…solely due to lack of space! To get Mason to Florida he needed: his pack and play, tummy time mat, Boppy, Puj tub, stroller, plus of course his diaper bag, clothes, and diapers (one thing about cloth diapers, they take up a lot more space than sposies). How something so small takes up so much space is a complete mystery to me. And it makes me think about what people did before we had all these baby “essentials”. At the rate we (because I know I’m not the only one) buy the latest and trendiest baby gear you would think it’s a miracle we survived when we were babies! Whatever did our parents do without a Boppy? Use a regular pillow?? The horror!!!!
Once the car was stuffed to it’s gills we got on the road. We didn’t really know how Little Bear would handle such a long trip, but he did surprisingly well. We only had to stop twice between here and Orlando. Although by the time we got to Grandma and Grandpa’s house he was REALLY ready to get out of the car! Not even his light up kitty would pacify him; but in the long run 20
minutes of fussing is nothing. My cousin’s daughter absolutely hates car trips and will cry the entire time whereas Mason loves the car and usually falls right to sleep.
It was an exciting weekend for Little Bear; there were so many new people to fawn over and love on him and he handled all the excitement fairly well. Only a couple freak outs but those were due to pure over stimulation and he was just letting us know that he had had enough! So he got to have some quality time with his Grandmommy while Mommy and Daddy got to have an actual social life. Win win for everyone!The ride home went about the same as the ride there. By the second time we stopped so that I could feed Little Bear he was seriously ready to get home and start recovering from his exciting weekend. We had such a fun time in Florida and can’t wait till it’s time for another visit!
I’ve been a little remiss in my blogging duties lately. Sorry. Life has been out of control these past couple of weeks and try as I might I just could not find the time to sit down at my lap top…I’ve even been neglecting Facebook (a mortal sin!).
First to the unhappy reason why I’ve been so busy. Sadly, my Grandmother passed away on April 26th. She had been fighting Alzheimer’s disease for the past four years and when she broke her hip and had to have surgery the recovery was just too much for her to take. And so, the Lord called her home. In a way her passing is a relief. She had suffered so much with the loss of her memory and now, I feel, she is at peace; no longer scared and confused. The person really suffering is my Grandfather. They had been married for 64 years. Their marriage was the kind of marriage that every person who has ever entered into holy matrimony hopes they’ll have. The definition of true love.
It is breaking my heart to see him in so much pain. I can’t imagine losing my partner, the person I had been with every day of my life for more than two thirds of my life. Can you ever recover from that loss? The grieving process can only heal so much. Their’s was a real life “Notebook”; except that he’s still here. I pray that he will stay with us for a while more. That kind of broken heart is the kind that doesn’t heal with time.
I find comfort in knowing that she is looking down on us and watching over us, especially Mason. Towards the end she had a very
difficult time remembering almost anything, but she knew she had a new Great-Grandson and was overjoyed about it. On Easter, the last time I saw her, she spent the whole day holding, rocking, and singing to Little Bear. I hadn’t seen her that happy in years.
So with all the commotion the comes along when a family member passes away it’s been a bit difficult to find a spare minute. On top of losing GrandMomma and having all the family in town, Mason has decided to be an absolute pickle for the past week! I don’t know wether he is just going through his one month growth spurt (yes, he’s already a month old!!! I can’t believe it!!!) or if he’s got colic but the poor child has not stopped crying for five days straight. I’m REALLY hoping it’s just a growth spurt. It hasn’t been three weeks yet, so I can’t say for sure if it’s colic or not. All I know is that if he’s not eating…which is about 75% of the time…he’s crying. Sometimes he’s crying while he’s eating. I. Am. Exhausted. And to make matters worse, Hubby had to be out of town for work last week. Thankfully he’s back and I have a little respite from the ear piercing noises coming out of my child. Luckily I wasn’t totally on my own last week. I have a wonderful Mom who let me stay with her while he was gone and was kind enough to watch Little Bear for a few hours every night while I got at least two hours of uninterrupted sleep. Hopefully now that Daddy is home things will go back to our (somewhat) peaceful normal routine!